Women are like wavesSaturday, December 3, 2011
"Dear boys, be the type of guy you would want your daughter to be with."
This chapter focuses more on women, mainly on why we get so f-ing crazy all the time. I bet that's probably one of the main causes of arguments. I'll keep it short, as this is quite straight forward and I'm falling asleep at work now.
A woman is like a wave. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash temporary. After she reaches bottom, suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. This can also be described as 'going down a dark well'. It is very similar to guys going into their caves.
In relationships, men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
When a man loves a woman, she begins to shine with love and fulfillment. Most men naively expect that shine to last forever. That however, is impossible. And it is important that men know to NOT try to fix it. When a woman moves into her well, he needs to understand that this is when she needs him the most, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed, but an opportunity to support her with unconditional love.
As always, a woman needs someone to be there when she goes down, listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Please don't be naive and think that she will feel better right away. She may even feel worse. But all these are normal.
Recurring conversations and arguments
When her wave crashes again and again, similar issues will arise. When her issues come up again he becomes impatient, because he thinks that they have already been resolved, and respond by saying
1. "How many times do we have to go through this?"
2. "I've heard all this before."
3. "I thought we had established that."
4. "When are you going to get off it?"
5. "I don't want to deal with this again."
6. "This is crazy! We are having the same argument."
7. "Why do you have so many problems?"
When a woman goes into her well, her deepest issues tend to surface (again).
Warning signs for men
She may be going into her well or when she needs his love the most, when she feels
overwhelmed, insecure, resentful, worried, confused, exhausted, hopeless, passive, demanding, withholding, mistrustful, controlling, disapproving
Similarly to letting men go into their caves; let a woman go down her well. When she controls it, and negative feelings are suppressed, positive feelings become suppressed as well, love dies.
This is like PMS, the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. However, women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings, have felt their PMS symptoms disappear.
However, the wave and the rubber band can occur around the same time. When a woman needs him the most, to be there for her, listen to her, and when a man just needs to pull away and be alone in his cave. *THIS SUCK☹*
Here are three steps for supporting her when he needs to pull away.
1. Accept your limitations, don't try to listen when you can't.
2. Understand her pain, that she needs more than you can give at this moment. Don't make her wrong for needing more or for being hurt. It hurts to be abandoned when she needs your love. No one is wrong.
3. Avoid arguing and give assurance that you will be back, and then you will be able to give her the support she deserves.
I hate myself when I get super needy and keep asking for assurance from my boyfriend. He has already been giving me so much assurance, but I still felt insecure. I guess both of us didn't know giving and receiving assurance can make the already worse situation so much better. I've learned that if he needs to pull away next time, I can talk to my friends. It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support.
Reading these kind of books doesn't mean you have to change who you are. Making just a few small changes will not only make your relationship last, it also let both of you fall in love over and over again. Chapter 6 and 7 focused on the importance of support and space in relationships. A man supporting a woman when she is going down her well; and a woman respecting a man's personal space when he is pulling away to his cave.
I truly enjoy how blessed I can feel even though we're so far apart. Really amazing feeling ♥
It's the 3rd!! Happy 19th Monthsary my dear (: promise to hold onto each other no matter how tough our road gets. I love you, so much.