Men are like rubber bandsThursday, December 1, 2011
"Three things I want in a relationship; eyes that won't cry, lips that won't lie, & love that won't die" ♥
Now, another post on men and women. I'll be reading one chapter everyday, and I'll write a blog post after. For today, Chapter 6 - Men Are Like Rubber Bands.
I apologize for the overwhelming topic on 'love' lately.
I'm sure you have heard of this term before. Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they stretch only so far before they come springing back. Men have this thing called - the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. This is not a decision or choice, it just happens. And this often surprises women.
Women misinterpret this action of pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different reasons. When she don't trust him to understand her feelings, when she has been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her.
A man pulls away for the same reasons too! But he will also pull away even when she has done nothing wrong. Don't worry. He still loves and trusts you.
A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence / autonomy. If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be dose. While a man is pulling away (seems to not care about his partner) suddenly cannot live with her. He is now feeling again his need for intimacy.
However, this is confusing to women. Because if a woman pulls away, becoming intimate again requires a period of reacquaintance. We need time and conversation to reconnect, as we're hurt when he pulled away.
Why women panic?
When a man pulls away without any explanation, a woman reacts with fear. Panics and runs after him. She thinks that she has done something wrong and has turned him off. She is afraid that he will never come back.
Why men pulls away?
To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her needs, problems, wants, and emotions he may lose touch with his own sense of self. Pulling away allows him to reestablish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feet autonomous.
Some men may describe this pulling away differently. To them it is just a feeling of "I need some space" or "I need to be alone."
Just as we do not decide to be hungry, a man does not decide to pull away. It is an instinctual urge.
Like what I've said before, I've learnt the importance of giving your partner his/her personal space. So do you. It is rather 'harmful' to spend all the time together, and do everything together. Respect your partner's need of personal space.
It is not that he doesn't want to hear your feelings. At another time in his intimacy cycle, when he is needing to get close, the same feelings that could have triggered his departure will draw him closer. It is not what you say, but when you say.
When you want to talk or feel the need to get close, you should do the talking and not expect a man to initiate the conversation. You have to begin the sharing, and appreciates him for listening. Men often feel that their listening is useless and its 'doing nothing'. That's why it is very important for us to appreciate him. We know how important listening is, but men don't. You can say "I really appreciate when you listen to my feelings, it means a lot to me." Don't hesitate to appreciate what your partner is doing for you and thank him. You won't want him to feel useless, do you.
When a men doesn't pull away
When a man gets too close and doesn't pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness, irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness. Some men feel guilty to spend time alone.
I used to be very clingy. If I don't meet my boyfriend for a day, I'll feel super uncomfortable. Many of my friends told me I need to be more independent. Even my boyfriend said I shouldn't rely on him too much. I didn't think that it was that important until I came to Shanghai. Spending quality time with yourself or your friends and family is definitely beneficial to your relationship.
To not obstruct this intimacy cycle, we have take note NOT to: (1) chase him when he pulls away; and (2) punish him for pulling away.
From this, a man can also learn the importance of sincerely listening when a woman speaks. Understanding and respecting her need to be reassured that he is interested in her and he does care.
That's all for this chapter. The main point is just to respect and accept this need of personal space. When a man wants to be alone, it doesn't mean that he don't love you anymore. Its simply him taking care of himself for awhile. He'll be back.
I'm really glad that my boyfriend had explained this to me patiently and reassuring me so many times. Last time, I didn't understand why men needed to pull away, I get upset and paranoid. Resulting in stupid arguments.
This journey of learning the differences between men and women is really very interesting. I discovered so many insights on both sexes that helped me better understand how/why we think and act.
I feel so blessed to have such an understanding man to guide me and hold me along. I no longer feel as insecure as before. I don't complain or demand him to do things that I want him to do. I am motivated to change myself for the better. Not just for our relationship, but for myself. We all learn and grow in relationships. This is just my beginning, and I'm glad to have so many great people around to support me. Especially my parents, boyfriend and friends.
I am a lucky bitch.
"Good relationship don't just happen.. they take time, patience and two people who want to be together."
I miss cuddling with you dear. Two more months, and I'll be in your arms again.
Oh, happy december!! Christmas is around the corner ☃
With lotsa love, xueqi♥