A man's silenceWednesday, November 30, 2011
"Value of a relation is not that how much one feels happy with someone but its the emptiness which one feels without someone."
I read Chapter 4 and 5 of 'Men are Mars, Women are from Venus' last night. Discovered a lot more interesting things between men and women.
We speak different languages. The 'literal' translation of a woman's word could easily mislead a man. The number one complaint woman have in relationships is: "I don't feel heard!" Even this complaint is misunderstood or misinterpreted!
You see, when a woman is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but also is asking for a particular kind of support. She doesn't directly ask for that support because on Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request.
"We never go out."
"Everyone ignores me."
"I am so tired, I can't do anything."
"I want to forget everything."
"The house is always a mess."
"No one listens to me anymore."
"Nothing is working."
"You don't love me anymore."
"We are always in a hurry."
"I want more romance."
Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent.
You see men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Even today, a woman often discovers what she wants to say through the process of just talking. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. This process is perfectly normal and especially necessary sometimes.
Women misinterpret a man's silence. Depending on how she is feeling that day she may begin to imagine the very worst: "He hates me, he doesn't love me, he is leaving me forever." This may then trigger her deepest fear, which is "I am afraid that if he rejects me then I will never be loved. I don't deserve to be loved."
When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn't want to talk to a person because she didn't trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with him. No wonder women become insecure when a man suddenly becomes quiet!
Without these reassuring responses, a man's silence can be very threatening. Through understanding a man's cave, women can learn to interpret a man's silence correctly, and to respond to it.
However, woman need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even the man's best friends. This was the way it was on Mars. Women should not become scared that they have done something terribly wrong. They need gradually to learn that if you just let men go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine.
Why men go into their caves?
1. He needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution to the problem.
2. He doesn't have an answer to a question or a problem. Men were never taught to say "Gee, I
don't have an answer. I need to go into my cave and find one." Other men assume he is doing
just that when he becomes quiet.
3. He has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his
control again. He doesn't want to do or say anything he might regret.
4. He needs to find himself. This fourth reason becomes very important when men are in love.
At times they begin to lose and forget themselves. They can feel that too much intimacy robs
them of their power. They need to regulate how close they get. Whenever they get too close so
as to lose themselves, alarm bells go off and they are on their way into the cave. As a result they
are rejuvenated and find their loving and powerful self again.
Getting Burned by the Dragon
Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Women just haven't understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset.
She asks "Is there something wrong?" He says "No." But she can feel he is upset. She wonders why he is withholding his feelings. Instead of letting him work it out inside his cave she unknowingly interrupts his internal process. She asks again "I know something is bothering you, what is it?"
He says "It's nothing."
She asks "It's not nothing. Something's bothering you. What are you feeling?"
He says "Look, I'm fine. Now leave me alone!"
She says "How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am I supposed to know what you are feeling? You don't love me. I feel so rejected by you."
At this point he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later. His dragon comes out and burns her.
How to Support a Man in His Cave
1. Don't disapprove of his need for withdrawing.
2. Don't try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.
3. Don't try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.
4. Don't sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out.
5. Don't worry about him or feel sorry for him.
6. Do something that makes you happy.
If you need to "talk," write him a letter to he read later when he is out, and if you need to be nurtured, talk to a friend. Don't make him the sole source of your fulfillment.
Ending off with two quotes that I saw online.
"Ladies, it's not about you all the time. If you want your relationships to last, you can't be selfish and expect him to always do everything for you."
"Dear fellow girls, boys are not going to run to your house at 3am with flowers. They aren't going to scream that they love you down the hallway. They aren't always going to randomly text you to tell you how beautiful you are. They probably aren't going to sing and dance with you in the rain. Yes, they cheat and lie, some of them. But so do girls. Stop setting these high fucking expectations and get over the fact that they're not perfect and neither are you."
Find someone who's perfect for you. I already did.
I hope whoever reads my posts on men are mars and women are from venus learns something about your love ones and helps you in anyway..
Loves, xueqi ♥